2009: a Recap.

so 2009 is coming to a close....
so soon, right?
well, in light of this,
I'm gonna reflect on this 2009,
my 2009.
where to start.....

Graduation.
that was.....
okay.
I was glad to say I made it
through 12 years of SHIT.
lol.
public school was....
interesting.
and when I have kids.....
they will ALL be going to public school too.
lol.
that shit sets you up to be less awkward
in the real world.
trust me.

What else....

College.
My first year has been
fun,
so far.
I'm working hard.
but damn,
B's all across the board.
oh well.
Next semester, it'll be
more of an A-B variety.
Tech is cool though.

Relationships.
man.....
idk where this starts....
or where it ends.....
this year was a weird year for relationships
for me, that is.
I came into 2009 in one....
and now I'm not in one
and will finish the year out that way,
most likely.
The original one I was in....
it was good....
but we were headed in a bad direction....
and it ended....
but it happens.
i don't blame anyone for that.
Then the other relationship I was in....
there aren't enough words to describe it.
but i enjoyed the time we had.
it's weird.
i picked this year to,
for the first time,
cheat.
smart guy, right?
and now I'm stuck on this girl....
cuz it feels like it ended so abrupt.
and it's the first time I've been stuck
on ANY girl for this long.
and idk.....
i miss her....
and idk....
she might be a part of my 2010....
or we'll be apart in 2010.
you know which one I'm hoping for.

Myself, Personally.
this year has been quite the learning experience
cuz I've found out a lot on myself.
who I am...
what's my true motivation....
and where I've come from.
but I've also found out
i got a long ways to go....

Friends.
got many.
and it's taken me four years to truly
weed out who's real and who's not.
and I'm just glad to have people around me
that care,
no matter how close we are.

and I think that's it.
I'm sure there's more.
but yeah,
this is my 2009 reflection.

Just a few random things.

a few things I got on the first day of...
*trumpet plays*
Kwanzaa.
AKA
the day after Christmas
to some.
nonetheless,
I got three things at the mall.

one:
a hat.

not just any fitted though.
i've been looking for this fitted
for over a year.
bet.
i FINALLY got it.

Two:
a watch.

a nixon.
pink on black.
i like it.

the third thing was rock band 2.
but i already had it.
i just had to get a new one.
lol.

but yeah.
randomness.
that's all.

No insight, Just randomness.

blaow.
good evening, everyone.
i am here.
Merry Christmas [late]
Happy Second Day of Kwanzaa to everyone.
Yo,
we're five days away from a new year.
anyone have any New Years' Resolutions?

well,
I don't.
I figured if you really wanna make a change,
you'd make it on any day.

i mean,
the beginning of a new year is a great time to start,
but,
idk,
people don't even take it seriously,
resolutions always fall through.
but still.....

I do have some changes to make....
for one,
i need to change this blog up.
full overhaul lol.
cuz, well,
it's sorta dry.
so,
overhaul.

Two:
i gotta take some time to....
find myself.
literally.
it's like my mind isn't with me,
like it's elsewhere whenever i need it around.
and it sucks.

Three:
I am determined
to bring back romance.
i realize as I grow that
romance is a dying trend.
like romance has chemistry intertwined almost.
yet,
it's so rare to see it nowadays,
because the world only accepts
instant gratification.
I remember a time where guys and girls used to have romance.....
what happened?
when did we become a zombified generation,
where all we obsess with is sex and
getting what we want?

why have we lost the days,
where making jokes with a girl you like was commonplace?
and just having such a strong chemistry is normal?
it's like no one tries to work on it,
and it just kinda sucks.

....so i'm out to fix that.

Four:
I gotta network.
simple.
lol.


and I think these are some ideas for me to work on.....
for now.

trust and believe,
something else will find its way on the list lol.

til then.....
g'night, world.

Sunshine : A Poem for a Friend.

shouts to my Twitter friend Sunshiiine.
i volunteered to write her a poem.
so,
here we go.

[i hope this came out good lol]

She calls herself Sunshine,
I do admit she seems bright,
she's an individual of her own,
trendsetter, her style's tight.

She needed entertainment,
too bad I didn't have skill,
then I forgot, I can write poetry
cuz with my words I do tend to kill.....[lol]

So now I write a poem,
hopefully, it will impress,
if not, at least I gave it a try,
no need to really stress.

But back to this young lady,
I don't know her very well,
but when I read her tweets and blog
she seems like she's really swell.

Hopefully I'll get to know her,
and we can become better friends,
so when she wants another poem
I can, at least, try again.

Classic example of a......a snow day.

so tell me,
does your house look like this?

no?
well mine does.
as a matter of fact,
i took this picture from my window,
and the snow hasn't stopped either.

can you say,
someone was really dreaming of a white Christmas?

this snow is gonna keep going into tomorrow morning....
but...
i like snow lol.
so...
it doesn't bother me.

regardless,
hello all.
today has been extremely
uneventful.
just been..
tweeting my life away.
that's all.

i'm trying to find a way to make my blog
more appealing.
there used to be a time
where i had consistent readers.
idk what happened....
but now i need to
get em all back.

so from now
til whenever people read some more
i will try to increase readership.

but for now,
i'll just blog
and maybe it'll catch on with people.

On a small note.

i need to rename my blog.
it's been this name for almost two years.
and i feel like it should be changed now.
maybe shorter.
idk.
really
the number of visitors I get....
I'm bound to, really,
not get too much input on this topic.
so i guess the decision is solely in my hands
[what a surprise....]

and i'm extremely....
indecisive.
another surprise,
right?

i'll figure this out....
i think.

Q&A

Hello.
On this snowy evening in Maryland,
I wish you a good evening.
Blogging seems to be the only way I can get the things in my mind
onto paper.
like,
there's no one to tell this to,
because i know,
everyone feels some way
about the things i say
and feel.
so i just vent here
for the world to see.
that is, if anyone reads....

if not,
doesn't matter.
this blog is for me,
not for others.....
i write to just get everything out....
i don't do this for anyone else.....

regardless,
i'm still conflicted
in my mind
and in my heart...

why do i do this....
i go and hope.....
and i ask....
and i end up just fuckin everything up.
confusion in my mind,
and just conflicts everywhere else.

*sigh*
still.
why is it so hard for me to
work with a girl?
all my relationships end on some fault of mine...
and i can't seem to keep things together.
i ALWAYS mess up a good thing.

and then i'm so damn shy
that even when I'm single
I can't even tell a girl
how I feel.

it's so weird.
i find myself as a kind of my own.
one without a true characteristic.
i'm not the guy who wants to go fuck around with girls
one day
and forget em
the next.
Nor am I the guy who can get the girl
i like
because I'm always so damn nervous.
and when I do step up,
it never works.

and it's weird,
because everyone thinks
i get girls like clocks count seconds.

and i'm not like that.
i've spent the last six months
not talking to anyone.
i've been quiet
and just trying to get an education.

but nowadays....
it's so hard to find a nice girl.
why?
to be honest,
that might be part of the reason why
i still feel the way i do
for my last girl.
girls are so hard to find
[good ones that is]
because it's like
the ones that are here,
available,
are nothing like
what you want.
and the ones you do want
are unattainable.

my mother told me one day
i always try to date girls
that are unattainable.
and to be honest,
she's right.
because the unattainable ones
are usually the ones you want to date.
i've had so many girls
i wish weren't so unattainable.
because it's so hard
to do anything with them.
and it makes you regret
ever trying to be with them.

i just hate being alone though.
not because a relationship makes me feel good about myself.
but because i just....
i like having a girl to be around,
to just do stuff with,
and be stupid around.
is that too much to ask for?

maybe it is.

who knows....
confusion is all around me though.
and for me
an idle mind
[not hands]
is the devil's playground.
because my thoughts would
consume me faster than
the Atlantic Ocean
during a hurricane.
who knows....

but for now....
i'll just watch the snow fall
out my window.

Understanding.

i don't think we have an understanding.
i feel like shit is out of sync.
we're not on the same page,
are we?

that's a life story.
being lost,
not knowing what's really going on,
around me,
or inside of my mind,
or heart.

a poem couldn't even sort this out.

that being said,
i have to be real.
can i even say we're heading somewhere....
do you believe we are heading somewhere?
or are we headed in two different directions?

i feel that there are so many unanswered questions....
and it's like none of them will ever be answered....
and it makes me feel
sad.
lost.
and unsure.

because
you and i,
had something real,
you know?
and i mean
i don't know whether or not
we're a worthy cause.....

but i do like you.
i know we had something realer than real.
it felt like it would never end,
...
...
...
...
...
but it did.

and when we got to
that abrupt end,
like turned into love.
and we shared memories.
it felt as if,
we didn't have enough time,
because every thing feels incomplete.....

but who am i to blame you,
because it was my fault to begin with.....
so now regret stands with love.
and i hate the fact it happened,
wishing life had a rewind button......

but everything happens for a reason,
so they say,
so i guess i have to stay hopeful,
for the best,
for my own sake.....

but i feel like you don't understand.....
and i feel like i'll be left behind....
i'll just be memories......
the same memories that haunt me every day,
because it reminds me of where we aren't,
and what we aren't anymore....

how it sucks to have regret.

and to think.......
i could've had you now....

but six months later....
i don't.

and the sad realization is,
i push so hard to just get over it....
and i believe i am.....
but it always....
ALWAYS.....
comes back to you.

and i don't know why.
is that how love is?
is that what it does?

....i don't know.

so now i sit,
alone.
wondering,
if you understand....
how bad i want you back.

i'm sure you do......
but i guess the real question is....

do i realize,
how much you do want it?
or
am i too blind to realize,
realistically,
maybe,
you DON'T want it back.....

....we'll see.



good night.

First Semester done.

hello blog world.
the wonderful stylings of Travis Brown are back.
for the entire winter break.
i haven't wrote on my blog in a month or so.
and i realize that when you work for blogs that aren't so personal,
you lose touch with yourself.
so i'm back to posting stuff.
but feel free to visit www.spoiledbroke.com as well.
that's my 'work' blog.
lol.
[if you click sbtravie on that blog, that's my posts.peep it lol]

nonetheless.
i am alive.
and home.
and i'm glad.
but to be honest,
i feel.....
alone.

I can't seem to feel happy because of this somedays.
and you know every guy's mentality,
'fuck emotions. that's a female's trait'
or
'nigga fuck that relationship shit. we young out here.
you got your whole life for that.'

well, either way,
i don't think that.
i think having a Her on my side makes me happier than anything in the world.
because that girl is my equal.
i can make her laugh,
tell her anything.
tell her things i wouldn't tell my friends,
some things i wouldn't even tell my moms.
i would give her as much energy she would want from me,
and she would do the same.
and I wouldn't even ask her to give that much,

cuz I would rather give her the world.

but somedays....
trying to attain that isn't easy.....
because people come....
and people go.
that's life.

but I can't put too much energy into that right now....
it'll happen when the time is right.

but still....
It's the Holiday Season.
so...
don't be selfish....
okay?