Q&A

Hello.
On this snowy evening in Maryland,
I wish you a good evening.
Blogging seems to be the only way I can get the things in my mind
onto paper.
like,
there's no one to tell this to,
because i know,
everyone feels some way
about the things i say
and feel.
so i just vent here
for the world to see.
that is, if anyone reads....

if not,
doesn't matter.
this blog is for me,
not for others.....
i write to just get everything out....
i don't do this for anyone else.....

regardless,
i'm still conflicted
in my mind
and in my heart...

why do i do this....
i go and hope.....
and i ask....
and i end up just fuckin everything up.
confusion in my mind,
and just conflicts everywhere else.

*sigh*
still.
why is it so hard for me to
work with a girl?
all my relationships end on some fault of mine...
and i can't seem to keep things together.
i ALWAYS mess up a good thing.

and then i'm so damn shy
that even when I'm single
I can't even tell a girl
how I feel.

it's so weird.
i find myself as a kind of my own.
one without a true characteristic.
i'm not the guy who wants to go fuck around with girls
one day
and forget em
the next.
Nor am I the guy who can get the girl
i like
because I'm always so damn nervous.
and when I do step up,
it never works.

and it's weird,
because everyone thinks
i get girls like clocks count seconds.

and i'm not like that.
i've spent the last six months
not talking to anyone.
i've been quiet
and just trying to get an education.

but nowadays....
it's so hard to find a nice girl.
why?
to be honest,
that might be part of the reason why
i still feel the way i do
for my last girl.
girls are so hard to find
[good ones that is]
because it's like
the ones that are here,
available,
are nothing like
what you want.
and the ones you do want
are unattainable.

my mother told me one day
i always try to date girls
that are unattainable.
and to be honest,
she's right.
because the unattainable ones
are usually the ones you want to date.
i've had so many girls
i wish weren't so unattainable.
because it's so hard
to do anything with them.
and it makes you regret
ever trying to be with them.

i just hate being alone though.
not because a relationship makes me feel good about myself.
but because i just....
i like having a girl to be around,
to just do stuff with,
and be stupid around.
is that too much to ask for?

maybe it is.

who knows....
confusion is all around me though.
and for me
an idle mind
[not hands]
is the devil's playground.
because my thoughts would
consume me faster than
the Atlantic Ocean
during a hurricane.
who knows....

but for now....
i'll just watch the snow fall
out my window.